welcome to every mess matters

i created this space mostly for myself, as a way to put my thoughts and experiences with motherhood somewhere other than my social media pages. i have so much to say, so much to talk about when it comes to being a mom, and have up until now, used platforms like Instagram and Facebook to do that. i put up my horrible attempt at an aesthetic picture (for who? me?) and then post a ridiculously long caption about how beautiful motherhood is, just for the same five family members to comment about how my words have touched their hearts. in the same breath that i'm letting their words give me a temporary high of pride, i'm aggravated with my daughter for not falling asleep after an hour of me trying to put her down. she's crying, i'm crying, everyone is crying and just like that, i'm feeling like this is the hardest and most exhausting job of my life.
motherhood is so beautiful isn't it? not always.  i'm here to admit that.

don't get me wrong - i have LOVED this season. i have had times where i've gone to bed and thought, damnnnnnn i crushed it today, but i've also had so many nights where i've gone to bed and felt like i didn't give my daughter enough of me. 

the truth is, both of those feelings can coexist. one day you feel like you're the best mom in the world, and the next you feel like you can't even keep your head above water. i know, because i've been there. 

i'm a first time mom, and to say that i've felt any bit confident in myself and my motherhood capability in this season would be a lie, which is actually why i started this to begin with. i felt like i had all these things on my mind and nowhere to put them and i felt like i couldn't be the only one. so why not write about it? and if you happen to stumble upon this and can relate, well great, but if not, i'm gonna keep posting because this is my outlet. and who knows, maybe it can be yours too. 

motherhood is hard. it's messy, it's loud, and it's scary as hell but it's also the greatest thing i've ever done and the best thing i've ever known. so, if you're along for the ride, then thank you. thank you for reading my thoughts, listening to my heart as it rambles on these pages, and thank for supporting me. 

xo,

nicole